Pride is a term that can be used to describe two different feelings. Pride can be used to describe a feeling of respect and worth, but it can also describe enmity toward others. In one way, pride is an expression of our finding joy in the actions taken by ourselves or by others. In this sense pride is an action verb and is often described as "taking pride in ..." We may take pride in the fact that we were able to accomplish all of our goals around the house before noon, or we may take pride in the success of our children. As parents we marvel at every accomplishment our children make. Both of these examples show pride as an act of love. In these examples, we have expressed pride in ourselves and pride in others, neither of which is inherently wrong. The act of taking pride in something is not the pride that is seen as the great deadly sin in scripture. In fact, the great sin of pride is very different in nature, though the manifestation can appear quite similar to one looking in from the outside.
The difference between taking pride in something and committing the sin of pride is in the intent of the heart. Taking pride in something is an act of love while being prideful is a hateful act. The sin of pride is having a selfish attitude toward yourself, your family, and the people around you. While the act of pride (taking pride is oneself) is typically a result of having a high self worth and self opinion; the sin of pride is often a consequence of having a low self worth. When we have a low self worth, that lack of personal worth fosters resentment towards those around us. It angers us inside not because others are better than us, or happier than us, but because we want to be better but have failed. No child starts out with this pride-fostering low self esteem. It grows in us continually through our lives with each failure. It starts with a seed planted in us in youth and then grows worse with each passing failure. Such that with each failure the anger that we direct inward increases. This anger accelerates the erosion of our self-worth, but is particularly damaging to the family when the anger is turned outward. When anger turns outward, we begin to shift blame onto those around us (namely our spouse and children). Once blame has shifted, we resent our family.
This resentment is manifest as increased selfishness, frustration, and aggression. Do you have multiple subjects that instantly make you defensive? Do you find yourself easily provoked to anger? Do you find yourself irritated over little events all day long? Are you regularly looking for more and more ways to "get away" for a bit? Do you feel angry inside if a family member spoils your "free time"? All of these feelings are a consequence of low self esteem. This low self esteem has led to anger directed inward, continual anger inward has led to anger directed outward, which then leads to pride and selfishness. How does this transition to pride and selfishness come about?
In the scriptural context, pride is manifest as enmity toward god. Pride is the belief that you don't need god to reach heaven. You have the power to do it alone, and you spend your life fighting against god. Likewise, in the home, pride is manifest as enmity toward your family. Pride in the home is the thought that you are not an important part of the family. When this thought arises, it angers you because you think about all the things you do for the family but don't get credit for. This leads to two feelings: first, pride in the form of enmity toward your family; second, selfishness. The enmity toward your family spawns from the need to prove that you ARE important to the family. This may initially lead to working hard to prove yourself, but when thanks are not received for your hard work, it leads to omission. During omission, we show our spouse how much we are needed by showing them what life and home are like when we don't do our job. The selfishness is fostered by the feeling that we deserve something for our labors. What we really want is to be appreciated, but when we don't get that we find our rewards elsewhere. These rewards are more time for friends, time out shopping, expecting the spouse to take care of the kids tonight, and less time interacting with family.
As you can well imagine, demonstrating our pride through omission, and aggression when our selfish desires are not met both have negative consequences on us as well as on the family. When we continually express aggression and frustration towards family members, they begin to lose love and respect for us. This leads to fewer acts of appreciation, greater counter aggression and frustration. At the point when both husband and wife begin to blame each other, families begin to fail.
While failed marriages are a two way street, they don't necessarily start that way. They begin with a small event to serve as a catalyst, but the reaction is fueled by an unwillingness to forgive your spouse. Once your anger has turned outward and you begin to place blame on others, a pernicious cycle ensues which fuels itself both in you and in your spouse. Your pride, anger, and selfishness won't permit nor accept forgiveness. In other words, pride breeds further pride in yourself and in your spouse. Can you see pride in your family?
If pride has shown up in your family, the key to resolution rests in the basic gospel principles of love, understanding, and mutual respect. If your spouse is prideful, help them understand how important they are to you and the rest of the family. While they may deserve time to themselves, you need them and want them closer. If you see the symptoms of pride in yourself, think about how the other person feels. Think about their situation in life; is it that much easier than your own? Are you carrying the bulk of the burdens in the family? No matter who you are, the answer is no; so when was the last time you expressed your appreciation for them? Are they not also dealing with the same personal issues you deal with and just want someone to appreciate them? Understanding and putting the needs of your spouse first will lead to a greater humility and more self-worth. A family cannot function without every member. You and your spouse are desperately needed! So reach out to your spouse tonight and tell them so.
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